I couldn’t think of a good title for this post, but I guess you could call it “my thoughts on the last five or six days of being separated, and its effect on the other parts of my life.” But that would be a depressing title and no one would ever read the post. Then again, it’s likely to be a depressing post, so no one will read past this point anyway.
Luckily, I’m writing out of a need to express myself, and an honest exposition of my “New Routine.”
Needless to say, the “New Routine” has been all but abandoned, albeit temporarily. I lack the motivation and drive to get up any time earlier than when I must get dressed and go to work, so I haven’t been meditating or running like I promised myself I would. A similar process happens when I get home from work: I come in the door, maybe make food, and watch television until I fall asleep on the couch.
Rinse and repeat.
I say that the New Routine was only temporarily abandoned because I fully believe I’m only a few days from snapping out of my funk and realizing the importance of self-maintenance and self-discipline again, divorced from the need to be a good person for the sake of anyone else. Not that the only reason I was taking care of myself in that way was for someone else’s benefit, but you’d be surprised at how many things I do to enable someone else.
Hell, not getting cancer was only half the reason I switched to Blu in the first place; the other half was encouraging other smokers to change their habits as well.
Anyway, a portion of the reason I wanted to develop myself was that there are so many people my age (I’m talking about post-baccalaureate twenty-somethings) who either declined to go to graduate school or have already graduated and, in either case, find themselves with absolutely nothing to do with themselves. I’m one such person; I’ve nearly reached the asymptote of my hyperbolic career path, and I’m wondering what else to do while I wait for the next big thing.
The other side of it was to prepare myself for that big next step, but a lot of my future plans were very Sarah-centric and I either have to put those on hold or pursue them without her.
That “without her” bit has been the most difficult part of late. I spent a lot of my day sharing little thoughts and perspectives with Sarah and getting her own unique take on them every time. Whenever there was an opportunity to spend the least bit of time together, we jumped on the chance to share just a small portion of our lives with each other, and now that’s gone. Now we only see each other at work, and have both assumed the mantle of business-as-usual for the sake of our other coworkers. And each other.
Companionship, in its essence, is really a partnership, a commitment between two people to face the world, understand the world, create the world, and love the world together. It’s through the mutual care and understanding of two people that true, unconditional love can be discovered, strengthened, and shared with everything else. When there is only one, only a very powerful form of self-love can be attained, and it’s a very difficult translation to move from the love of the same to the love of all-thing.
Those of you who have read my senior essay know that the love of a family and camaraderie of friends only accounts for the philotic form of love, and the agapic form will remain intangible, except through enlightenment or the path outlined above.
Regardless, I greatly appreciate everyone’s support as I work my way through this injustice.
I’ve been able to fulfill my professional obligations thanks to a strong sense of duty, although I can’t deny an element of cynicism has crept into my work. My coworkers have been understanding, and that dutiful sense of obligation is a very powerful motivator.
My hope now is to contort my set of duties to include those duties to myself than include things like meditation, exercise, and self-development. I conduct myself at work like a military operation, and maybe it’s time to apply that discipline to myself outside of work too.
My other goal (short of continuing the New Routine) is to read more philosophy. Right now, I’m reading two books (“The Idiot” by Fyodor Dostoevsky and “The Ultimate Question” by Fried Reichheld) but neither has the philosophical gravitas to make me question my mode of being like a Kierkegaard or a Levinas.
Any suggestions or advice are welcome.