Leaping

How many times have I taken the leap of faith only to fall flat on my face and rise to jump again? Why must I throw myself so whole-heartedly into every new endeavor, with no backup plan? And why am I always so heart-broken after the fact that I can do nothing but pine for weeks on end? Were any of these women really so special? Am I imagining what we had together, what we could have had together?

Anthony Kiedis says to “give your love no matter what,” and that’s what I do. I take the leap of faith and invest myself wholly in a person, with the hope that my investment will pay off not for me, but for them. It’s an unconditional investment. Trev says I should focus this attention and energy not on a single person, but on all people. “That’s too much pressure for one person, you’ve made them responsible for carrying your entire perspective on the world.” I don’t quote Trev well, but his comment was directed toward getting me to branch out and make really good friends instead of focusing so much on personal companionship. Why can’t I do both? More than mere rhetoric, my question is a serious internal inquiry. What prevents me from doing both? Do I just lack the energy to invest that much of myself outwardly? What would it cost?

I’m going to take Trev’s advice and start to focus on making real connections with people. It’s been a dead end chasing women to the ends of the earth. I love New York, and it’s a great place to be a loner. For genuine people, it should be a great place to make friends. We’ll see.

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